Sep 30 2008
Divorce Rate Among the Chronically Ill
I found some astonishing statistics a while back on the various aspects of chronic illness. One statistic that really stood out to me is that the divorce rate among the chronically ill is OVER 75%. Why did this statistic stand out to me? Because my first marriage ended partly because of my ME/CFS & Fibromyalgia, even though I didn’t know that I had FM at the time. I have been happily married now for the past 10 years and we have been together a total of 14 years and BOTH OF US have chronic illness problems. My husband has heart problems. He has had triple bypass surgery, stents placed in his heart and has had at least 7 heart attacks. So what is the divorce rate statistics when both partners are chronically ill? In my opinion, I think the divorce rate would be lower because the spouses would understand each other better and would understand better what each one was going through. That is how it is in our situation.
This high statistic for divorce proves that when the vows “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” aren’t taken as seriously as they should be.
I think it dismissive of you to simply state that people don’t take their vows seriously, thus they don’t stick with their spouse through “better or worse”.
What responsiblity does the chronically ill spouse have? Perhaps to make the most of each day, to not dwell on their own problems or pains, to make themsleves emotinally available to their spouses (at least once a week), and to try and live “outside” the pain as much as possible. I think it is the chronically ill spouse who gives up the fight, who loses hope, who brings misery into each day, that is the cause for the divorce. When people give up, you can’t live their lives for them. Self-pity is one of the most destructive forces around - I don’t blame spouses who leave after hearing, day-after-day, self-pitying remarks from their signifcant other. Life is too short to spend with people who have given up on it - that’s the truth. We’re not saints, we’re human beings.
Hi Ben, Thanks for your post. Do you have a chronic illness? While it is easy to say “make the most of each day”, when you are in severe pain and have fatigue so exhausting you can’t even make it through a shower, it’s a whole different ballgame. It’s hell to be sick 24-hours a day, seven days a week without any relief.
Hi ff,
I do have a chronic illness - it is not serious, but will be with me for life and does cause discomfort. I don’t have a constant pain, or fatigue. I cannot appreciate what it would be like to deal with this on a daily basis. My wife does have a chronic pain condition, so I have a good idea of the effect it has on a person’s life, I also realize how it affects the spouse.
My original post was meant to convey that if a person wallows in their pain, if they let their pain control their life and cause unending unhappiness and sadness, then the spouse really suffers too - it is cruel to expect someone to stick around for this. One of the original deadly sins, “sloth” actually deals with this. Sloth is not being lazy, opriginally it was meant as a quite different sin, as outlined below:
“SLOTH - It had been in the early years of Christianity characterized by what modern writers would now describe as melancholy: apathy, depression, and joylessness — the last being viewed as being a refusal to enjoy the goodness of God and the world God created. Originally, its place was fulfilled by two other aspects, acedia and sadness.”
This “sin” of being joyless to the world is what I find most damaging about chronic pain - it sucks the life out of people, and those around them - but it doesn’t have to be this way.